It happens more than one would think. At least a few times a year a mom or dad will call, generally because their "baby" lives out of state and has expressed an interest in moving back home to Maine. Often moms are all over that and start doing the research, checking out JobsInME, networking with friends, and calling people like me. This may or may not be great for the family dynamics. I can assure you that it is never a good tactic for a job search. The contact this week reached new highs (or lows) of parental uber support.
It started with an email in which the gentleman in question (let's call him "Dad") contacted me saying he wasn't a recruiter nor a candidate but that he was interested in one of my ads and may have some people to refer to me. So I called him. We discussed the job a bit. With any call of this type I don't reveal much more information than can be found in the ad. Then Dad told me the real reason for his call. He has a son (let's call him "Son") who he thinks would be great for this job. But Son isn't working out of state, he is right here in Maine. So why did Dad call?
Evidently, Dad is managing his son's career as if he were managing the career of an actor or golf pro. Son is working in the same industry as Dad and when Son graduated from college, Dad said, "I placed him with XYZ company." Dad didn't think Son received enough mentoring there but. "I let him stay in XYZ for two years and then brought him to DEF Group, unfortunately it is a similar situation." (Lack of mentoring.)
Dad said he knew the manager at DEF and (real quote), "I interviewed (that manager) for Son". I asked a few clarifying questions and yes, he did have lunch with and interview his son's potential employer and to see whether it would be a good fit for Son.
I was stunned, but I successfully remained neutral until the end. After a bit more discussion, Dad asked if he could have Son call me and I said that Son would have to read the ad, and respond like every other candidate before I would talk with him. I did also say that I would be happy to receive and review Son's information. Dad still wanted Son to call me and I requested again that he not call prior to sending the information. I was frankly done with Dad. We ended the call cordially but I did let him know that if Son applies and is moved forward, I would advise my clients not to meet with Dad at all. I stated "You will not interview my client."
I have not received any information from Son. Frankly, I suggest he move to Seattle.
Wow! I would not allow my parents to do this and I would never meet with the parent of a potential employee.
ReplyDeleteIf son does not want a job enough to do the leg work then who is he expecting to do the work for him when he is hired.
Oh yea the mentoring manager should do the work for son. This child has been spoon fed all his life and needs a shovel ready job.
OMG. O. M. G. I think they call that Helicopter Parenting (we did at USM).
ReplyDeleteInteresting that all of the son's issues seem to be a lack of mentoring. Maybe he's not doing well enough to merit mentoring.
Wait a minute, mentoring? I've found that, as a person who has been getting jobs/work on my own recognizance since I was 18, if I wanted to advance I needed to perform, if I wanted mentoring, I needed get my own. If, once I've plateaued at a particular position and advancement did not seem forthcoming, I'd move on. (And I'm pretty sure my Dad would have told me to work harder if I complained to him about my lack of mentorship.)
Not sure Seattle is far enough away. Australia maybe?
Unbelievable. I think Dad means well but needs to learn about boundaries. A parent cannot take over his child's life and "make" it go well. Best to let go and let the child become a self-sufficient adult.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I am all for fathers stepping up and being involved in all aspects of their kids lives, but, um, wow. It must be hard to stand up straight in that house with all the helicopter blades whirling around.
ReplyDeleteEvery month or two I see another article in the press about parents getting too wrapped up in children’s lives. From over scheduling of younger kids to moving to a new city to be closer to a college aged kid, parents do some nutty things all in the name of supporting their ittle-wittle-shnookums. This dad could just be adding the next chapter to that story.
In our work with fathers we talk a lot about the fact that one of our important roles is to prepare our children to live in the big world beyond our door. Part of that job is having the discipline to step back and let them figure things out for themselves. It also means we don’t to make our kids decisions once they are adults.
Hopefully dad will soon see that he is not helping Son. As an employer, I’d be very hesitant to even interview someone after hearing that story. I don’t want two employees for the price of one. It’s tough enough for me to manage the people I choose to have work for me. I have a powerful enough internal critic chipping away at my self-confidence, I don’t need some guy telling me how I am failing his kid.
- @strongfathersme
Oh, that's sad. I mean, I wonder how much Son knows what Dad is doing? If he knows, that's awful. If he doesn't know, that's also awful.
ReplyDeleteYuck and ick, Kudos to you for staying neutral!